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How to Fail a Company

An ironic and satirical take on general management mistakes - a tongue-in-cheek guide to the successful ways of slowly bringing a company to failure.

Six Successful Ways to Fail a Company

Let’s say you own one, two, or more companies, and by chance, you work in a field where you think you’re really good. Everything seems fine - maybe because of luck, maybe because of the market. And if you also started with easy money, there’s nothing to worry about, right?

You like to experiment, you’ve read everything about corporate management (and of course, you already know enough), so why not keep growing until the very end?

1. Manage everything yourself

There are two options here - either everyone around you is an idiot who can’t make a single right decision, or you wisely decided not to have such people at all. Naturally, you’re always right, no matter what others say. After all, you raised this company from nothing, and nobody knows business better than you. Sure, things are harder now, a lot is going on, but don’t worry - you’ll handle it.

2. Hire relatives, friends, and people by intercession

Why waste time choosing employees when you already have a list ready - and if your business looks good, it’s never-ending? Who could be more loyal than a relative who truly cares about the family business? Outsiders can’t compare, no matter their skills. And when someone recommends a friend, isn’t that the best sign of quality? Never mind that they haven’t managed to find a job yet - they just need a chance and a lot of time (a lot ... but after all, they don’t want to make mistakes, right?).

3. Get a proforma management team

It looks nice to have someone else in the company leadership besides you - modern, democratic, European. They don’t need to decide anything; it’s enough if they follow your orders, since you know the business best (see point 1). And if they’re from the opposite sex, you can combine business with something more pleasant - as long as they’re not family. Everyone must be useful and responsible for the company’s future, right?

4. Invest for the future? Why bother.

Money should make more money - and fast. That’s how it works, right? So, spend it - don’t keep it. Why think about ten years from now when tomorrow is what matters? And those leftover funds? Use them for yourself; you’ve earned it. Maybe give a bonus to that hard-working cousin. Don’t listen to people talking about “depreciation” or “zero asset value” — what do they know? The machines still run, don’t they?

5. Office luxury comes first

Your office is the heart of the company and deserves to look great. Who cares about the warehouse or production space - no important guests go there. Your comfort is your company’s stability. After all, you’re the one making all the big decisions; you deserve a calm and beautiful place to think. And when friends visit, they should see the level of success you’ve achieved just by looking at the furniture while enjoying a drink.

6. There should always be money for you

You set your own lifestyle, so why care about cash flow or expenses? The company is yours, so the money is yours too. It’s smart to always have some cash on hand - maybe a thousand, or more. If you need more, just call accounting or ask your assistant; that’s what they’re paid for. For bigger amounts, get a company credit card and stop worrying altogether.

If someone from the finance department dares to complain, ignore them (or better - fire them; what do they know about real business anyway?). Every company has hard times, but that’s nothing to lose sleep over. Don’t worry about bills or salaries - they can wait. Everyone should understand that things happen when the time is right.

Good luck!

P.S. "The author takes no responsibility if following this advice doesn’t bring the expected results - there are always exceptions."

© 2014/2025 Nikola Vasilev

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